we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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