I think I just saw someone hide a body.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
