I want to have your abortion
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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