it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Randomize
