He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
