Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
