I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
