I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize
