so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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