if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
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