I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
