Moan for me like Helen Keller
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
