I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
