Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
