i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
