Joe is yelling at the trees again.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
