there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
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