she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
