The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
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