that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
