Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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