Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
