She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Randomize
