The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
