i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Randomize
