I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Randomize
