yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
