she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
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