ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
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