Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
