grandma shit on top of the toilet
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
this will be a night to untag.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Randomize
