Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
