i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
