I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
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