New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
