im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
