So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
