you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Randomize
