if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
i may or may not be watching the land before time
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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