I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
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