I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
