he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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