It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Randomize
