Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
