"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
