you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Randomize
