tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
