me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
