I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
