When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
