you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Last time i carry you out of a forest
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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