Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
