Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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