tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
