I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
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What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
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I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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