Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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