After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
