The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
it's great music for shaving your balls
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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