Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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