I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
